...and we wait.

Hi, I'm Amanda, and I'm impatient.

I had a doctor appointment yesterday.  As you know Brian and I have been trying to get pregnant since about December, "officially."  So far we have not met with much luck.  As my patience continued to wear thin we made a call to the doctor and she suggested putting me on Clomid (a fertility drug that's main purpose is to stimulate ovulation).  Her hopes were that it will make my luteal phase long enough for the egg to implant.  So, this is my first month on it and I am currently in what is referred to as the "two week wait."  That's right the whole...am I, or aren't I game.  It's like torture every month.  It's enough to drive a person crazy.  

Then people tell you stupid things like...if you relax it will just happen.  Or, my favorite...try not to think about it.  Note to everyone...just say what a bummer it is and that you will pray it happens soon.  Don't try to give directions on how to get pregnant.  It doesn't help the stress level any!

So, yesterday I went in to see Dr. Wilson to see what was going on and if I had any problems from the Clomid.  We did an ultra sound (don't get excited...I'm not pregnant that we know of) but everything looked perfect.  She could tell where I ovulated which matched what I told her about having a sharp pain on my left side a few weekends ago.  She showed me that my other ovary was gearing up to ovulate again if need be.  She showed me that my uterine lining was nice and thick...not thinned out by the Clomid which is a major concern and can lead to miscarriage.  Now all we have to do is wait...ugh, I hate that word...to see if the Clomid made my luteal phase long enough for the egg to implant.

So here I am...waiting.  Now that it's summer and I'm not "working" I find my mind wandering more and more to over analyzing every little thing I feel in my abdomen.  And if everything looks so darn good in there (and if the luteal phase ends up fixed) then why aren't I pregnant? People at work have told me...oh, I get pregnant if my husband just looks at me.  So...WHAT'S THE DEAL?!  It's so darn frustrating.  It broke my heart a little yesterday when Brian called to tell me he was on his way home from work, and he asked, "So, am I a daddy?"  And I couldn't say yes.  I guess the silver lining is that I didn't have to say no...yet.

Waiting is all I can do.  I can't make it happen or make it go any faster, and if God is trying to teach me a lesson in patience apparently I haven't learned it yet.  :(  

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.